Houston, we have a problem...
Because I taped approximately 82 hours of Inauguration proceedings, my DVR informed me at 9:00 that it would not be able to accommodate my request to record Lost. So I started to frantically delete crap (like the historical swearing in of Barack Obama...see what I do for you people?), yet it still refused my repeated and polite requests that it record the ^@%$!* show. So in lieu of a recording, I tried to pause the channel, but my remote, which appears to be in cahoots with the DVR, refused this request. I even got off my lazy arse to forage for new batteries, but that's not the problem. And the main issue is that I was on the phone until 9:15, so I have no idea what is going on. I know, I know, I should have just hung up without explanation, but really people, that is frowned upon in polite society.
Emergency Call to the Assistant to The Meeting Organizer (aka Mom)
1) Mom explains that NoseBleed has temporal displacement...I have no idea what this means. Mom seems to be at peace with it, though, and seemed to enjoy telling me that "it's fatal".
2) Kate goes to visit the Subpoena Guy
3) Something about horse tranquilizers
Now that I'm all up to speed, let's turn this mother out, shall we?
Action Item #1: You Give Her 22 Words, She'll Give You Lost
In getting my debriefing from Assistant Mom, she said something so eloquent, so poetic, it really summed up all that has occurred on the island, and our deep, personal understanding of it. She said:
"Ben, he turned the wheel and then he ended up in some kinda place, I don't know. Micronesia? Not Tunisia. Some place." -- Mama
That's better than what I've gotten out of this show. All I've come up with so far is:
"That blonde dude with the beard that doesn't match is hot. Somebody take his shirts away."
Action Item #2: Appreciate the gesture, but...
...usually I like short commercial breaks, but as someone who's being forced to write a blog about a show I wish I'd never met, I find that short commercial breaks are not conducive to the writing process. In fact, if we could have maybe 15 minutes of show and 45 minutes of commercial breaks (aka "writing time"), that would be great, 'k? Thanks.
Action Item #2a: Speaking of Commercials
Totally unrelated, but I love this more than is normal, I think: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTQaWIt4ij0
I go there as my happy place every time that damn light flashes...
Remain calm, I repeat REMAIN CALM. Our worst fear may have come true...Vincent the Dog has gone missing. Nary is left of him but an empty leash. Catherine, if you could just hold your heaving sobs until the end of the scene, we'd all appreciate it. I'm sure any minute now someone will flick a light switch and they'll be in a happy time zone when Vincent is a frisky pup frolicking in a field of kibble. (BTW, don't think these time blips don't make the whole concept of the real-time blog a bit impossible).
Action Item Numero Three: PADDLE!
Right, paddle. Paddle your little canoe because you're being shot at, and everyone knows that people paddling a canoe can outrun a speeding bullet. Really. It's some sort of physics theory. Oh, and if the theory fails, don't worry, the lights will flicker again and you'll be in a new, bullet-free time zone in just a sec. So hang on! And don't forget, PADDLE!
Action Item #IV: That's Claire's Mother
See, this is how stupid I am. I didn't know that. So if you're wondering who precisely it is in the audience that the writer's are targeting when they make a character, such as Jack, do some clever exposition with lines like "That's Claire's mother"... that would be me. I'm part of the highly coveted "Haven't been paying attention for five years but that's irrelevant because they're also not too bright" demographic.
Addendum to Action Item #2a: Still Speaking of Commercials
I don't appreciate commercials for news casts that include statements like this: "Surprising information about a treatment for cancer that could actually make it worse." Why yes, that is surprising. And also horrifying. Please, Liz Cho, can't you just keep these things to yourself?
Action Item #5: "I Can Fix This"
Jack, buddy, come on. You're STILL saying "I can fix this"? After all we've been through, you STILL have the hero complex? I'd wager that you haven't actually "fixed" anything in your life, unless of course we have different definitions of "fixed" and in your world (wherever/whenever that may be), "fixed" means "made really quite worse". Then yeah, rock on, you CAN fix this!
Action Item #6: Uh Oh...We've Got a Bleeder
Juliet's got a nose bleed. While talking with Sawyer. If you were wondering what my greatest life fear is, what keeps me up at night, it would be sitting in the rain with a hot swarthy guy and getting a nose bleed. This show is like a window to my soul.
Addendum to the Addendum to Action Item #2a: Yet More Speaking of Commercials
So there was just a commercial for some new show on ABC (I couldn't be bothered to read the name of it, and heaven knows I can't rewind to see it b/c the remote control is being a jerk). Just when I thought Christopher from the Sopranos couldn't get any less good looking, he manages to climb another branch on the ugly tree. Seems all it takes is a handlebar mustache and some mutton chops.
Action Item #7: Oh hey, Jin...wait, what?
So I'm sitting here going to my happy place (LMAO!), and I sort of hear people speaking in foreign tongues, and I look up and see some dirty kid type person talking to Jin, who incidentally has very chapped lips, and I think to myself, "Hey, Jin, 'sup." And then I do a double take and say, "JIN????" As in Dead Jin? And then the Assistant to the Assistant to The Meeting Organizer (aka my sister) calls, all in a tizzy and downright rage-filled, and says "What the hell is this? Jin is alive and that's Danielle?" And I said "How do we know it's Danielle?" And she says, "Uhhhh, because she said her name." See?? See how having to write this blog as I watch affects me? I hear approximately every third word that these characters say. So now I'm downright rage-filled...Pre-Pubescent Russo? Time Traveling Dead Jin? Why don't you just push me out of a blimp over the Rose Bowl. It would hurt less.
Questions & Answers
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