Schlamiel, Schlamazel

Please excuse the absense of an agenda last week. See what happened was, someone turned a giant wheel and there was this flash of light, and my apartment disappeared and all of a sudden it was 1979 and I was three years old and, thus, unable to write. Let alone use a laptop, because who had those in the 70s, am I right? Am I right? Is this thing on?

OK, fine, so I needed a week off. Sue me.*

*Understanding that we do in fact live in quite a litigious society, I remind you that the phrase "sue me" is just a saying and ask that you do not in fact bring me to court due to the lack of last week's agenda. The defense rests.

Agenda

Action Item #1: Mr. LeFloor

This Mr. LeFloor guy is pretty hot. Looks a lot like Sawyer but without that pesky Just for Men beard that doesn't match his hair. Oh yeah, and btw, who the frick is Horace? Why is he blowing things up? Why did the guy in the Dharma station have mutton chops? And also, what the hell is going on?

Action Item #2: Three Years Later, Three Years Earlier

Anybody have any Dramamine? Because I'm getting motion sickness from all this back and forth. Hey look, it's three years later...butttttttt, wait for it...now it's three years earlier again! Could we maybe pick a timeframe and stick with it? I'm not asking a lot here. I'm not asking for dead people to stay dead. For the island to stop moving. For Sawyer to burn all his shirts. Just ixnay on the frequent switches, 'k?

Action Item Number Three: Oh Look, Dancing with the Stars is Coming Back

That show seems more suited to my mental capabilities. The only bright flashes of light are off the disco ball as the band strikes a tune and this season's Cloris Leachman equivalent busts a move...and a hip.

Action Item #IV: At Some Point, They've Got to Run Out of Ammo

Every week someone is either shooting someone, being shot at, shooting someone who shot at them, or being shot by someone they previously shot at. That's a lot of bullets. Where are they coming from? Is there a Sam's Club on this island where they buy in bulk? Perhaps a Dharma Station: Costco?

Quote of the Week:

"Looks like some kinda sonic fence or something." --Crazy Eyes

Response to Quote of the Week:

"You suck. All of you." --Me

Action Item Numero Fivo: Schlamiel, Schlamazel

Nice 'do rag, Juliet the Mechanic. You look like you just stepped out of the Laverne and Shirley opening credits. Ahhh, now there was a show that knew how to treat a lady right, unlike this train wreck. Oh, btw, Jules, hope you washed the 10w40 off your hands before switching gears to baby birther.

Action Item #6: Mr. Perfect...English
At what point did Jin Chap Lip start speaking perfect English? I guess he spent some time at the Dharma Station: Rosetta Stone.

Action Item #VII: Slow Motion Baby Running

Yes, of course that curly haired little moffit is Charlotte, aka Nosebleed. Of course it is. Who else could it be? But seriously, I thought this was three years earlier. So how the frick is Charlotte a toddler? Nevermind, I don't care.

Action Item #Ate: "That Man's Name is John Locke, and I'm Waiting for him to Come Back"

OK, is anyone else sensing a Jesus theme here? The whole "he left to save us" and "let's wait for him to return" thing with Locke is a little crucifixion-resurrection-y to me.

Action Item #9: Lies. All Lies.

I was promised steamy Sawyer-Kate action by one of this very blog's loyal readers. As you all noticed, this did not occur. All we got was a couple of stares at the end. Loyal reader, my friend, either you and I have different definitions of steamy or this was a shameless, yet effective, ploy to get me to watch this week. Well played. Well played ineed.

Breakout Session:
Horace: Does He or Does He Not Look Like the Cowardly Lion?

Champagne Celebration
Theme: IT'S NOT ON NEXT WEEK! IT'S NOT ON NEXT WEEK! GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY IT'S NOT ON NEXT WEEK!

Adjourn