Schlamiel, Schlamazel

Please excuse the absense of an agenda last week. See what happened was, someone turned a giant wheel and there was this flash of light, and my apartment disappeared and all of a sudden it was 1979 and I was three years old and, thus, unable to write. Let alone use a laptop, because who had those in the 70s, am I right? Am I right? Is this thing on?

OK, fine, so I needed a week off. Sue me.*

*Understanding that we do in fact live in quite a litigious society, I remind you that the phrase "sue me" is just a saying and ask that you do not in fact bring me to court due to the lack of last week's agenda. The defense rests.

Agenda

Action Item #1: Mr. LeFloor

This Mr. LeFloor guy is pretty hot. Looks a lot like Sawyer but without that pesky Just for Men beard that doesn't match his hair. Oh yeah, and btw, who the frick is Horace? Why is he blowing things up? Why did the guy in the Dharma station have mutton chops? And also, what the hell is going on?

Action Item #2: Three Years Later, Three Years Earlier

Anybody have any Dramamine? Because I'm getting motion sickness from all this back and forth. Hey look, it's three years later...butttttttt, wait for it...now it's three years earlier again! Could we maybe pick a timeframe and stick with it? I'm not asking a lot here. I'm not asking for dead people to stay dead. For the island to stop moving. For Sawyer to burn all his shirts. Just ixnay on the frequent switches, 'k?

Action Item Number Three: Oh Look, Dancing with the Stars is Coming Back

That show seems more suited to my mental capabilities. The only bright flashes of light are off the disco ball as the band strikes a tune and this season's Cloris Leachman equivalent busts a move...and a hip.

Action Item #IV: At Some Point, They've Got to Run Out of Ammo

Every week someone is either shooting someone, being shot at, shooting someone who shot at them, or being shot by someone they previously shot at. That's a lot of bullets. Where are they coming from? Is there a Sam's Club on this island where they buy in bulk? Perhaps a Dharma Station: Costco?

Quote of the Week:

"Looks like some kinda sonic fence or something." --Crazy Eyes

Response to Quote of the Week:

"You suck. All of you." --Me

Action Item Numero Fivo: Schlamiel, Schlamazel

Nice 'do rag, Juliet the Mechanic. You look like you just stepped out of the Laverne and Shirley opening credits. Ahhh, now there was a show that knew how to treat a lady right, unlike this train wreck. Oh, btw, Jules, hope you washed the 10w40 off your hands before switching gears to baby birther.

Action Item #6: Mr. Perfect...English
At what point did Jin Chap Lip start speaking perfect English? I guess he spent some time at the Dharma Station: Rosetta Stone.

Action Item #VII: Slow Motion Baby Running

Yes, of course that curly haired little moffit is Charlotte, aka Nosebleed. Of course it is. Who else could it be? But seriously, I thought this was three years earlier. So how the frick is Charlotte a toddler? Nevermind, I don't care.

Action Item #Ate: "That Man's Name is John Locke, and I'm Waiting for him to Come Back"

OK, is anyone else sensing a Jesus theme here? The whole "he left to save us" and "let's wait for him to return" thing with Locke is a little crucifixion-resurrection-y to me.

Action Item #9: Lies. All Lies.

I was promised steamy Sawyer-Kate action by one of this very blog's loyal readers. As you all noticed, this did not occur. All we got was a couple of stares at the end. Loyal reader, my friend, either you and I have different definitions of steamy or this was a shameless, yet effective, ploy to get me to watch this week. Well played. Well played ineed.

Breakout Session:
Horace: Does He or Does He Not Look Like the Cowardly Lion?

Champagne Celebration
Theme: IT'S NOT ON NEXT WEEK! IT'S NOT ON NEXT WEEK! GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY IT'S NOT ON NEXT WEEK!

Adjourn

They're Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Agenda

Action Item #1: W

Action Item #2: T

Action Item #3: F

OK, so basically WTF applies only to the last minute of the show, when Jin Chap Lip shows up in the Dharma Scooby Doo Bus with shotgun in tow. What year is it? Is it the past? Is it the future? Oh I know what time it is, it's half past WTF.

Gin & Tonic Break

Action Item #4: Complaint
Why, why, WHY must they cut to commercial right before some steamy Jack-Kate lovin'? Hmmm? Oh sure, why would we want to see that? No, you're right, we'd much rather see nosebleeds and chapped lips. Come ON people, give me something I can work with here!

Action Item #Five: Welcome Back, Kotter
Kotter in this case being Bloody Ben. I was sort of drifting, do we know who turned him into a bloody pulp this time? I'm sure they said it, I just tend to zone in and out and accidentally hit mute and not realize it for twenty minutes, that sort of thing. Anyhoo, whoever clobbered him, I'd like to shake their hand. Bloody Ben reminds me of the good old days, aka that one season where his face was black and blue and yellow for the entire time. Oh here I go getting nostalgic again.

Action Item #6: I'll Take A Pound of Ground Beef and a Cadaver, Please
I have some major concerns about the health code violations involved with storing bodies in coffins in the back room of a butcher shop. Sure, the meat smells and freezing temperatures lend themselves to body storage, but nevertheless, I'm sure the health department would like to hear about this.

Action Item #Six + One: Jack "Imelda Marcos" Shephard
What's the deal with Jack's father's shoes? And swapping them out for Locke's Loafers? All I got out of that was that Jack has an apparent shoe fetish. And I'm sure there's more to it than that.

Action Item #Ate: "I Wish You Would Have Believed Me"
Nice suicide letter. You know, even in death, Locke is kind of a bitch. But of course, it causes some quiver lip crying out of Jack, so I'm happy. I'll give him something to cry about... sorry, the rage is bubbling.

Questions & Answers

Questions That Cannot Be Answered

Answers to Questions That No One Asked

Pancake Breakfast

Adjourn

Dharma Initiative: Microwave Station

This week's agenda will follow shortly, as I'm watching this week's ep on the DVR. In the meantime, I came to the disconcerting realization that I am working in a Dharma Station. I can only assume it's the Microwave Station. If you'll look at this photo carefully, taken above the microwave in the kitchen of my workplace, I think you'll agree that there is clearly a Dharma logo on the wall. That explains the nosebleeds...

Talk Amongst Yourselves

Ok, Ok, Ok...everyone calm down. Do not panic. Now is not the time to turn on each other. If we can't live together on this blog, we're gonna die alone (oh wait, I think that's the island...when did I start talking like Jack??).

Anyhoo, in response to Anonymous' terrifyingly angry rant (see comments from last week's post; restraining order being drafted as we speak), I would like to sincerely apologize for the lack of an agenda this week. The Dharma gases got me and I was very ill for the last several days (I knew those nosebleeds meant something bad!). And as you may or may not know, the funny glands are located in the sinuses, and when the sinuses are infected, so are the funny glands. Thus, I was rendered unfunny, and we were rendered blog-less, or sans-blog, your choice.

I would like to invite any interested parties to be this week's guest blogger. Write up an agenda, send it to me, and I'll post it and even add a pretty picture that may or may not relate to the agenda contents (it might just be a picture of sinuses).

In the meantime, I leave you with the following talking points (I'll have you know I did watch the episode, and it's a lot easier to follow when I don't have a laptop in one hand...):

1.) Jin Chap Lips -- I'm glad he's back. You know why? Because he's kind of hot. Even with the terrible need for a Blistex. I like scenes with Jin Chap Lip and Shirtless Sawyer just fine. However, last night's episode was All Jin, All the Time. Is everyone else on vacation?

2.) Moment of silence for NoseBleed. Ok, that'll do.

3.) I think I fell asleep with maybe 10 or so minutes to go. What'd I miss? Let me guess, a flash of light and some time travel?

Discuss.

No refreshments will be served this week since this is not an official meeting. Hey, times are tough. We're in austerity mode.

Micronesia? Tunisia? Whogivesacrapnesia?

Houston, we have a problem...

Because I taped approximately 82 hours of Inauguration proceedings, my DVR informed me at 9:00 that it would not be able to accommodate my request to record Lost. So I started to frantically delete crap (like the historical swearing in of Barack Obama...see what I do for you people?), yet it still refused my repeated and polite requests that it record the ^@%$!* show. So in lieu of a recording, I tried to pause the channel, but my remote, which appears to be in cahoots with the DVR, refused this request. I even got off my lazy arse to forage for new batteries, but that's not the problem. And the main issue is that I was on the phone until 9:15, so I have no idea what is going on. I know, I know, I should have just hung up without explanation, but really people, that is frowned upon in polite society.

Emergency Call to the Assistant to The Meeting Organizer (aka Mom)

1) Mom explains that NoseBleed has temporal displacement...I have no idea what this means. Mom seems to be at peace with it, though, and seemed to enjoy telling me that "it's fatal".

2) Kate goes to visit the Subpoena Guy

3) Something about horse tranquilizers

Now that I'm all up to speed, let's turn this mother out, shall we?

Action Item #1: You Give Her 22 Words, She'll Give You Lost

In getting my debriefing from Assistant Mom, she said something so eloquent, so poetic, it really summed up all that has occurred on the island, and our deep, personal understanding of it. She said:

"Ben, he turned the wheel and then he ended up in some kinda place, I don't know. Micronesia? Not Tunisia. Some place." -- Mama

That's better than what I've gotten out of this show. All I've come up with so far is:

"That blonde dude with the beard that doesn't match is hot. Somebody take his shirts away."

Action Item #2: Appreciate the gesture, but...

...usually I like short commercial breaks, but as someone who's being forced to write a blog about a show I wish I'd never met, I find that short commercial breaks are not conducive to the writing process. In fact, if we could have maybe 15 minutes of show and 45 minutes of commercial breaks (aka "writing time"), that would be great, 'k? Thanks.

Action Item #2a: Speaking of Commercials

Totally unrelated, but I love this more than is normal, I think: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTQaWIt4ij0

I go there as my happy place every time that damn light flashes...

URGENT UPDATE
Remain calm, I repeat REMAIN CALM. Our worst fear may have come true...Vincent the Dog has gone missing. Nary is left of him but an empty leash. Catherine, if you could just hold your heaving sobs until the end of the scene, we'd all appreciate it. I'm sure any minute now someone will flick a light switch and they'll be in a happy time zone when Vincent is a frisky pup frolicking in a field of kibble. (BTW, don't think these time blips don't make the whole concept of the real-time blog a bit impossible).

Action Item Numero Three: PADDLE!

Right, paddle. Paddle your little canoe because you're being shot at, and everyone knows that people paddling a canoe can outrun a speeding bullet. Really. It's some sort of physics theory. Oh, and if the theory fails, don't worry, the lights will flicker again and you'll be in a new, bullet-free time zone in just a sec. So hang on! And don't forget, PADDLE!

Action Item #IV: That's Claire's Mother

See, this is how stupid I am. I didn't know that. So if you're wondering who precisely it is in the audience that the writer's are targeting when they make a character, such as Jack, do some clever exposition with lines like "That's Claire's mother"... that would be me. I'm part of the highly coveted "Haven't been paying attention for five years but that's irrelevant because they're also not too bright" demographic.

Addendum to Action Item #2a: Still Speaking of Commercials

I don't appreciate commercials for news casts that include statements like this: "Surprising information about a treatment for cancer that could actually make it worse." Why yes, that is surprising. And also horrifying. Please, Liz Cho, can't you just keep these things to yourself?

Action Item #5: "I Can Fix This"

Jack, buddy, come on. You're STILL saying "I can fix this"? After all we've been through, you STILL have the hero complex? I'd wager that you haven't actually "fixed" anything in your life, unless of course we have different definitions of "fixed" and in your world (wherever/whenever that may be), "fixed" means "made really quite worse". Then yeah, rock on, you CAN fix this!

Action Item #6: Uh Oh...We've Got a Bleeder

Juliet's got a nose bleed. While talking with Sawyer. If you were wondering what my greatest life fear is, what keeps me up at night, it would be sitting in the rain with a hot swarthy guy and getting a nose bleed. This show is like a window to my soul.

Addendum to the Addendum to Action Item #2a: Yet More Speaking of Commercials

So there was just a commercial for some new show on ABC (I couldn't be bothered to read the name of it, and heaven knows I can't rewind to see it b/c the remote control is being a jerk). Just when I thought Christopher from the Sopranos couldn't get any less good looking, he manages to climb another branch on the ugly tree. Seems all it takes is a handlebar mustache and some mutton chops.

Action Item #7: Oh hey, Jin...wait, what?

So I'm sitting here going to my happy place (LMAO!), and I sort of hear people speaking in foreign tongues, and I look up and see some dirty kid type person talking to Jin, who incidentally has very chapped lips, and I think to myself, "Hey, Jin, 'sup." And then I do a double take and say, "JIN????" As in Dead Jin? And then the Assistant to the Assistant to The Meeting Organizer (aka my sister) calls, all in a tizzy and downright rage-filled, and says "What the hell is this? Jin is alive and that's Danielle?" And I said "How do we know it's Danielle?" And she says, "Uhhhh, because she said her name." See?? See how having to write this blog as I watch affects me? I hear approximately every third word that these characters say. So now I'm downright rage-filled...Pre-Pubescent Russo? Time Traveling Dead Jin? Why don't you just push me out of a blimp over the Rose Bowl. It would hurt less.

Questions & Answers

Soup and Scones

Adjourn

The Pope, a British woman, and a Chinese guy walk into a bar...

Welcome to Lost Cyber Meeting #1,214

Agenda

Action Item #1: Desmond Jr.

So Desmond and Penny, heretofore known, in this J-Lo, Bennifer society in which we live, as Denny, have a baby. Great. Perpetuate the crazy.

Action Item #Deux: Explosive Scene!

That explosion scene by the creek was awesome! Did you see those people go flying? They went totally sideways. I laughed until I cried. Is that wrong? Hey, they were extras and they meant nothing to you and you know it. Don't you judge me.

Action Item #Three: Like Lassie Barking When Timmy Falls in the Well...

...the music people on Lost are trying to tell us something. The dramatic swells of music when someone says something (like when Julia says "because they're OTHERS") make me feel like something earth shattering has been revealed, and I should be blown away. But 93.8% of the time, I have no idea what the revelation is, and then I feel badly about myself. So instead I find myself on the couch clapping and saying "oooh the pretty music!" I used to think I was smart. That was before Lost.

Action Item #D: Sawyer in a Sombrero

I had paused Lost when it came on, and was watching on a delay so I could fast forward through the commercials. But I accidentally hit a button on the remote and changed to channel 6. some sort of Mexican soap opera. I'll have you know that a) it took me about 20 minutes to realize it was not Lost (I figured they were Spanish-speaking others), and b) part of me wished I didn't have to go back to the island. The part of me that is dead inside because of this show.

Action Item #IV: Want Lashes Like These?

Ask Richard, heretofore known as Manscara for those long lasting lashes of his. What is this bomb of which everyone speaks? Daniel expects anyone to believe that he's in love with Nose Bleed? That's a flimsy excuse, and I can't believe Manscara fell for it.

Action Item #Whatev: Latin Shmatin

Latin is the language of the enlightened, huh? And of the Others? Well little do they know that the language of the Lost Cyber Meeting Consortium is also Latin...Pig Latin. And to my fellow LCMCers, I say this:

is-thay ow-shay ucks-say

Awards Ceremony

The winner for the most common sense statement of the night goes to Blonde Chick with Gun:

"You expect me to believe that you, a British Woman and a Chinese man are all members of the United States Army?"

She gets extra points because not only does it make sense, it also sounds like one of those jokes...The Pope, a British woman and a Chinese guy walk into a bar..." Tap, tap tap...is this thing on?

Action Item #Sicks: Where are Archie and Veronica?

Who names an atomic bomb Jughead? That's not very scary. If I were naming an atomic bomb I would name it something like "The Pulverizer" or "Kaplooey" or "Sarah Palin" or something similarly terrifying. Certainly not Jughead.

Emergency Intervention

Much like our angry commenter AM from the last post, I, too, am feeling overwhelmed and rage-filled. Where are the Oceanic 6? I say less extras, more SAG card carrying actors, please. A week without whiny Jack welling up with tears is like a week when Sawyer keeps his shirt on. And buttoned. Despite all the dramatic music swells. Let's support each other as we deal with this loss. Counselors are available throughout the day.

Message from crazed person in the back of the meeting room:

ARE YOU TELLING ME THE YOUNG OTHER, AKA CHARLES WIDMORE, IS PENNY'S FATHER???? I TAKE IT THAT HAS TO DO WITH TIME TRAVEL THEN? LIKE, OH I DON'T KNOW, 40 YEARS AGO? BECAUSE IF THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME, WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT ME IN AN ICE FILLED BATH TUB AND STEAL MY KIDNEYS, BECAUSE THAT WOULD HURT LESS. DON'T YOU DO THIS TO ME, JJ ABRAMS. JUST DON'T!

Ok, sorry for that disruption. Security has been called.

Oops, the crazy person's back.

NINETEEN FIFTY FRICKIN' FOUR? WELL YOU CAN SHOVE NINETEEN FIFTY FRICKIN' FOUR UP YOUR A...

Ok, good job security. Easy with the taser.

Action Item #7: Nose Bleed

You know, I still have some winter dryness, so I don't appreciate Nose Bleed's scenes. I still suspect I've been exposed to Dharma gasses.

Questions & Answers

Anger Management Breakout Session

Hot Breakfast Buffet

Adjourn

Whisper All You Want, YouTube Hears All

Thanks to Stephanie for the mind blowing link below. Stephanie spent most of Thursday evening adamantly trying to convince us that Sawyer told Kate in the helicopter (before his triple lutz into the water) that he had a daughter and that he wanted Kate to find her. We all thought it was the vodka talking, but through some admirable Googling she has proven her case:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5W2-dvSzKk

Talk amongst yourselves...

Rainy Days and Time Travel Always Get Me Down

Welcome to the Lost Season Premiere Symposium. We have a lot to cover, so let's get down to business. Quiet in the back, please.

Agenda

Action Item #1: Time Travel...How Stupid Does That Guy Think We Are?

The chubby construction worker in the Mine Before Time said it best...and apparently JJ and crew think we're pretty stupid. I can't even really argue. And just when I wasn't feeling quite stupid enough, the caption "three years earlier" comes up on the screen. Fantastic! Now we have time travel AND flashbacks. Why don't you just kick me in the brain repeatedly?

Action Item #2: Shirtless Sawyer: Past, Present, and Future

Though he's looking a little man-boobier than I remember, and his love handles are a little more, well, love handle-esque, the sight of Sawyer remains my go to happy place when the time travel just gets to be too much.

Action Item #3: Where's Boone?

So if Locke got sent back to when the drug plane crashed, why is he even on the island? Because the drug plane crashed before Oceanic 815 ever crashed. So shouldn't they be in LA or Australia or wherever merrily living their lives? And does this mean we're going to see Boone again, since if the plane just crashed, he hasn't had a chance to die yet? If Shannon comes back, I'm outta here.

URGENT UPDATE:

It's Pre-Dead Ethan! I forgot how creepy Ethan is!

Action Item #4: Misty Water Colored Memories...

...of the Best. Girl Fight. Ever. Said memories were brought on by Sigh-eed's fight in the motel with whoever those guys were. Did anyone else see shades of the Sydney-Faux Francie fight scene from Alias? I believe the kitchen counter and dishwasher were used in similar ways. I'm sorry, I need a minute, I'm getting all nostalgic..."Francie doesn't like coffee ice cream." Sniff.

URGENT UPDATE IN POEM FORM:

Ana Lucia,

Good to see ya!

Moment of Silence:

Sawyer put a shirt on

Action Item #E: Jill the BUTCHer

Who's Jill? Have we met her before? Is she going to put Locke in the meat grinder? Because they did that on the Sopranos once. Now there was a quality show. No time travel there.

Action Item #6: Who the frick is Neil?

Who is this annoying extra? I'm glad he got shot with a flaming arrow. I don't usually wish that for people, but he really had it coming. Plus, that guy is from some really annoying commercial from a long time ago. I feel like he was a pizza delivery guy or something in the commercial. I will give five dollars to anyone who can tell me what commercial he was in, b/c it will drive me crazy. Oh, and by "five dollars" I really mean "nothing".

VINCENT THE DOG SPOTTING!

We have visual confirmation that he is alive and well. Well, provided one of the flaming arrows doesn't get him...

Buzzkill Alert

Sawyer's disgusting foot. Put that thing away.

Action Item #Seven: What is this, Good Will Hunting?
Who's the Judi Dench look alike in the Little Green Riding Hood doing equations and such? Have we met her before? Is she Superman's mother? What the hell is going on?

Concerns

As someone prone to nose bleeds (pretty hot, right?), I am concerned by what's occuring with Red Head with Accent. I had heretofore assumed the occasional winter dryness led to my nasal issues, however now I am concerned that I may have been exposed to Dharma Initiative gasses. If anything happens to me, tell the world my story...

Questions & Answers

Refreshment Break:

Fritters and Frappucinos in the back, please help yourself

Reminder about dress code (pants are NOT optional)

Adjourn

Where We Left Off...

I wish I hadn't found this. It brought up all sorts of painful memories from last season. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go back to the island...

February 2008

An Open Letter to JJ Abrams

Dear JJ,

How dare you play with my heart again. After all we have been through. You promised, PROMISED things would be different this time. "It's cool, baby, it's not like Alias", you used to say, with your dark curly hair and delightfully geeky horn rimmed glasses. "I won't hurt you again, I promise. That whole 'let's destroy SD-6 and basically retool this whole series to capture a bigger audience thing' was a mistake. It didn't mean anything. I was thinking of you the whole time." Oh, how I believed every word.

But you...youuuuu...I should have known that I couldn't change you. It's my own fault really. I left, I found the strength to walk away. And I thought of you, I thought of you so often. Every Thursday night at 9 I'd wonder what you were doing. Were you with other fans? But I was strong, I didn't look back. And then this winter...I missed you so much. And those ads you took out on TV...little 30 second love letters dedicated to me and only me...telling me of all the fun we could have this season...how every second would be exciting, explosive even! And truth be told, I was lonely. Oh sure I had some fun -- a LOT of fun, don't you kid yourself mister -- with shows like House Hunters, Reba reruns, and Food Network till I puked. But it wasn't like it was with you. So I decided to try and love you again. And I came back to you.

And you're right, it was fun for the first few weeks. Exciting. Explosive. Yada. But you started drifting again last week. You were all over the place. And then tonight. When you...I can't even say it...give me a minute...I promised myself I wouldn't cry...when I found out about the time travel... What kind of a sicko are you? You need to get your head together, mister.

Well hardy har har, huh? I guess the joke is on me. Because here I am, surrounded by empty gin bottles, chain smoking and rocking back and forth in the fetal position. Just like old times, huh JJ? Well let me tell you, if I walk away again, I am never coming back. Never! DON'T YOU LAUGH AT ME! You can be so cruel sometimes.

I'll say this once, and just once... You better figure out what you want, mister. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! You straighten up and treat me like the f'ing lady that I am or I'm outta here. And then we'll just see who's LOST, won't we?

Where are my limes...........

I Hereby Call This Blog to Order

The Lost Agendas has arrived.

We are going back to the island.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

8 p.m.
Annual "WTF is Going On" series recap

9 p.m.
Season premiere

No more plain old e-mails for us. Have a comment? Leave a comment. I expect to see a lot!